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Community Corner

20 Tips for a Better Labor Day: Tip 1, Read This!

Humor columnist John Crandall helps you spend your Labor Day wrong.

With Labor Day fast approaching, it’s time for another edition of "Give John Crandall a Dollar Helpful Tips for You Today Now Yes" or, more simply, GJCADHTFYTNY!

GJCADHTFYTNY for enjoying Labor Day

1. Don't leave your bed, eat food, drink water, and do use the bathroom. Otherwise, you will ruin the sanctity of this precious time.

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2. If you cram as much meat onto your barbecue as in the public domain image I used for this column, you are categorically a better person than I.  

3. A number of important historical events happened on Labor Day. For example, the discovery of England, the fall of the Roman Empire and Independence Day, to name a few.  

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4. If you see someone who does have to work on Labor Day, do not point and laugh. Simply report him to the police so that the offending individual can be quickly incarcerated when the holiday is over.

5. With your day off, reread . The columns will supply the vital nutrients you need to be strong enough to read future columns. They will also help you enjoy Labor Day ... somehow. 

6. Think about how the phrase “Labor Day” is almost the same as “Arbor Day,” with just one letter changed and in a different place in the word. Craaaazy.  

7. Labor Day has a colorful, storied history. Maybe you should marry it, if you love it so much.

8. Instead of taking the day off, why not work twice your normal hours?That’s sticking it to the man!

9. If you are my pregnant friend, Alexis—a completely real person—who might actually go into labor on Labor Day, take a moment to appreciate the happy coincidence. Unless you’re in labor right now … in which case stop reading this column and PUSH!

10. Labor Day can be warm. Make sure to drink plenty of sunblock.  

11. There are many local activities going on around your city on Labor Day. I don’t know anything about them, but I’m sure they exist.

12. Did you know that "Labor Day" in Latin means “nothing; that’s a dumb question”? At least according to noted UCLA Latin professor Irvin Dumpwinkle.

13. Instead of doing actual work on Labor Day, how about writing a list of useful, brilliant advice on how to enjoy Labor Day?

14. Labor Day was created by the ancient Sumerians, I bet.  

15. Don’t get dehydrated.... What? Just because all the other tips were silly, why does this one have to be?

16. Your next door neighbors hold awesome labor day parties. Why don’t they ever invite me? Oh, that’s right … the ice storm incident.

17. If your parents are visiting for the holiday, trick them into not visiting for the holiday.

18. Take the time to burn animal sacrifices to the great sky king Laborda, the alien being that the holiday is named after.

19. Speaking of barbecue, here’s a friendly reminder: It is illegal to eat human flesh, no matter how well prepared or how many hours you spent basting it.

20. One final bit of barbecue-related "advice": Just cover everything with mustard, and things will go great at the wedding.

Special Thanks: As with all of my lists, thanks to my brother Mike for his tips on my tips. 

P.S. "Have a Great Labor Day From Give John Crandall a Dollar Helpful Tips for You Today Now Yes." 

Or more simply, HAGLDFGJCADHTFYTNY.

Give John Crandall a Dollar posts Wednesdays at 7 p.m. and Saturdays at 1 p.m. On Labor Day, the author plans to do nothing productive, just like every other day. 

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