Let's put a Dinosaur on the California State Flag! ... Please?

My editor wants me to make sure my columns are topical, relevant, and, above all, something something something.

I wasn’t listening. I never am … not to my editor, my friends or that oncoming bus.  

It’s not out of disrespect (I hope).

It’s because thirty years of TV have made me unable to pay attention to anything that isn’t a movie/video game with a swelling orchestral score, 300 explosions a second and an A-List celebrity like Will Smith, Jennifer Garner or Will Smith.

The most obvious solution for this problem would be to just tell everyone, in the loudest voice possible, to stop talking to me … but for some reason people don’t like that.

Me: Stop talking to me!

Them: You’re the one who barged in here without paying the cover charge.

Me: Don’t make this difficult.  

Anyway, this is a roundabout way of saying we need a dinosaur on our state flag.

And I mean a very roundabout way. So roundabout that I’m not even sure how I got to this topic.

Hold on, let me go back and check. … Nope I’m still not sure.

Maybe the nonsense written above was a poor excuse for the fact that today’s column is not topical, relevant, or, above all, something something something?

That could be it.  

See, I had a brilliant idea when my brother reminded me that the California state flag has an extinct animal on it.

I’m talking about the California Grizzly Bear, which, if the internet is right – and it always is – we hunted to extinction in California in the early 1900s. 

They do exist in other parts of America, but not this state. 

So the question arises … “If we can put extinct animals on our flags … why not dinosaurs?”

Why not, indeed?

As any third grader and humor columnist knows, dinosaurs are "way cooler" than bears.

And scientists have confirmed this fact through extensive testing, which these media savy scientists have unveiled in documentaries like Walking with Dinosaurs, Jurassic Park and the Magic School Bus cartoon series.

Back in the good old days, we did have a few native dinosaurs in the Golden State.

Though much of California was under water during that time (making it hard for the lizards to find places to chill), paleontologists have found dinosaur fossils here.  Specifically they’ve found remnants of members of the hadrosauridae family and the nodosauridae family.

The nodosaurids tended to look like the offspring of a evil blender and a tank, while the hadrosaurids tend to look like reptilian ducks.

I’ll let you guess which one I want for the new state flag. You can see a possible example at the top of this article.

I sincerely believe, with utmost confidence I might add, that a new state flag will save the economy, end all war forever and spread In-And-Out Burger throughout the world.

You may wonder why I didn’t suggest any changes to the nation's flag. 

And I’m glad you wonderized that because it allows me to segue into the next rambling section of this column:

One: (and this is completely true) I actually like the look of our flag. It’s classy.

And two, if I even hint that I think we should change the American flag in any way – and believe me I don't think that – most citizens, no matter where they stand on the political spectrum, would, in a moment of shining bi-partisanship, join hands and then use those hands to form fists with which to crush me into a square the size of a postage stamp.

And since almost nobody uses postage stamps anymore, my flat, shattered body would sit on a shelf, untouched and collecting dust, instead of writing ludicrous columns about dinosaurs.

Unlike the Stars and Stripes, however, I feel that state flags are open to change ... in the sense that no one will savagely brutalize me if I suggest changes.

So when election time rolls around, write in "Nodosaur for California flag candidate!" 

Nothing will happen! But it will still be cool!

I think I’ve made my point. I mean … I must have made some sort of point.

After all, this is the end of the column, so there's got to be a point around here somewhere ... I hope.

Though truth be told, I wasn't really listening.

Give John Crandall a dollar posts on Wednesdays at 7 p.m. and Saturdays at 1 p.m. and is thinking about rereading Jurassic Park. That book’s great. Dynamite story. 4 out of 4 stars.