Oh, my God

My God is a pretty laid-back being. Yes, I know it’s shocking, but I am a man of Faith. Since language dictates that I’m going to have to assign a gender to My God, She doesn’t get all hung up on someone’s color, sexuality, religion, wealth, amount of self-reliance, or any of the other lies we tell each other. She does care if you don’t try your best to be nice and to have fun with Her Creation each and every day. Now since She is forgiving, She doesn’t expect you to be nice all the time. She doesn’t demand that you go through life having fun at every moment in Her Creation. That would be insane. Trouble, Strife and Tragedy happen every day. She damn well knows that it’s just part of the Deal. No One caused it. And, yes, it isn’t fair. So what?

Here’s what I mean. If I am walking down the street and I see a fellow man struggling under a heavy load, I am expected to help him with it. Now let’s say that I know this man, and I also know that he doesn’t like me. My God still expects me to help him in a friendly and cheerful manner. Let’s say his attitude is stronger than dislike. Let’s call it passive-aggressive hostility. I should still help him because his load is heavy and he’s a fellow human being. Am I obligated to help him. Not in my Faith. Not a bit. However, what does it say about me if I don’t help him? I mean honestly what does it say?

I’ll still go to Heaven if I don’t help him. In my Faith there isn’t a hell. There are just consequences. For instance, if I don’t help him then My God loses some respect for me, which I will have to try to earn back over Time. Otherwise I see no real purpose to Time. Life, I have a feeling, could continue on very nicely thank you without Time. Oh sure, we’d miss the sunsets…

As I was saying, everyone goes to Heaven. And they hang out with other open-minded, intellectually curious spirits or ghosts or whatever-the-heck-we-are-at-that-point. No one has any answers, everyone has lots of questions, and we’re all very nice about it and the wine is plentiful and great. It’s just like I suspect ancient Greece was for the very rich. Alas the very rich, most of them, will never experience Heaven. Don’t ask me what happens to them. No one talks about that.

All I know for sure is that you can’t be any poorer than dead, which is a horrible cliché and, also, a wonderful short story by Flannery O’Connor. And I also know that, according to you, your God, as you’ve always described Him, is a lot more strict. He apparently sends those he doesn’t like to Hell. People guilty of being born gay, for example. Democrats. Definitely, the Democrats are going to Hell. Well, actually in my Faith, the elected Democrats, you know the professionals like Nancy Pelosi, are slated, for vastly different reasons, to be disappeared along with the vast majority of the very rich.

I’ll tell you a secret: when you grow up in Minnesota you sort of hope you’re going somewhere warm like Hell. Which actually goes a long way in explaining Hubert Humphrey. And I also understand that, according to you, your God, the way you’ve always described Him, is going to send the likes of me to Hell. I totally get that; I’m just not particularly concerned. I figure that I’ll be there with the Buddhists, the Hindus, the Taoists, the Muslims, the Zoroastrians, some Lutherans, and, unfortunately, those crystal-pimping, new-age zombies.

And that’s really the bottom line, isn’t it, folks? We all draw a line in the beach somewhere. So I’m really glad that your God, the way you’ve always described Him, as the One and True God, I’m glad He created a place where we can all gather to be away from, well, you.