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Let’s Be Frank: Who’d Relish Time With These Folks?

We’d like to honor nice people, but it’s easier to make fun of the jerks.

“People in this world are like weinies.”

—Anonymous sidewalk philosopher

I’ve stepped on this inscription—scrawled in concrete—literally thousands of times in my 20-plus years of walking a couple of generations of dogs around my Mission Viejo neighborhood. Figured it might make a nice epitaph one day.

But then everybody would think that I departed this place as a bitter old man. And that would probably be too close to the truth, so I’m leaning toward “Beloved husband and father, honored statesman, blah, blah, blah.” Something like that.

But as  the Bee-choodle and I strode across the engraving last week and again, I had to look down at those words and nod my head in agreement.

Take the recent tragedy in Tucson. And I’m not talking about a deranged gunman who is obviously insane. I’m thinking people who profess sanity. What kind of sicko even plans to protest the funeral of a 9-year-old girl who was killed by a deranged gunman?

Answer: A full-blown, unadulterated weinie.

***   

There’s this guy who washes half of the six tennis courts at Saddleback College every Sunday. It’s a pain for a lot of public-court players who wish he’d wash them late Sunday afternoon, but that’s his job, and that’s when he does it, and that’s fine.

The Mailman, Lefty, the Bosnian and I showed up to play doubles recently, and the three other courts were occupied. Court Washer Guy had finished hosing down a court and was moving on to his second when I asked him if he’d open the equipment shed and let us use a squeegee to start drying the court.

Him: “You can’t use the college’s stuff; it’s a legal issue.”

Me: “OK, I’ll run home and get mine.”

Him: “If you do, I’ll have to call the campus police.”

Me: “I’ve been using my own squeegee to dry these courts for more than 30 years, and no one has ever cared before.”

Him: “You could sue us if you got hurt.”

Right.

Little Caesar Court Washer Guy: weinie.

And if there’s anyone who ever tried to sue after he managed to injure himself while walking behind his own squeegee after being warned not to: foot-long weinie.

***

Stephen Gates and his grandson had just finished playing golf when they stopped at San Clemente’s Cafe del Sol restaurant. Gates, a former Los Angeles police officer whose brother is former LAPD Chief Daryl Gates, knew it was illegal to park his golf cart on the sidewalk, but he wanted to keep an eye on their clubs.

Enter O.C. Sheriff’s Deputy Brian Hagerman … or maybe it was Dirty Harry.

Hagerman yelled at Gates to move the golf cart. When Gates moved the cart to the parking lot, Hagerman was waiting and yelled at him to take the cart back to the golf course.

Gates, who said he had never seen a policeman act this way during his 32 years of service, told Hagerman he was out of line. Hagerman jumped off his motorcycle, pulled out his Taser and pointed it at Gates, who said he raised his hands and cringed at the thought of what a Taser blast might do to a 73-year-old man.

Gates was forced to his knees—despite telling the officer about his recent knee surgery—and handcuffed. “I say to him, ‘You’re a jerk,’ ” Gates told the Orange County Register. “Then he starts screaming, ‘Stop resisting arrest! Stop resisting arrest!’ ”

Seventy-three-year-old with bum knee resisting arrest? Obviously, backup was needed.

Gates said that Hagerman dragged him across the parking lot and that other officers took him to a substation, where he was released after signing a citation alleging he resisted arrest.

Gates isn’t the only one to run afoul of Deputy Hot Dog. Clare Whitcher, 56, contends he roughed her up during a traffic stop while taking her son to school. And Robert Carrillo, from Oregon, is suing the Sheriff’s Department, saying that while he was in town for his niece’s graduation, Hagerman threw him to the ground and doused him with pepper spray … for jaywalking.

Deputy Hagerman: A regular Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

***

How about Laguna Niguel attorney/dentist Orly Taitz, who bills her Internet site as “The World’s Leading Obama Eligibility Challenge Website”? Last week, the U.S. Supreme Court turned down her effort to have a $20,000 sanction against her dismissed … for the third time.

Taitz, who has repeatedly filed unsuccessful lawsuits attempting to prove President Barack Obama is not a natural-born citizen, received the sanction for courtroom misconduct and filing frivolous lawsuits.

But when this dentist gets her teeth into something …

“Now I have evidence of highly suspicious activity in several federal courts,” she wrote on her blog last week. “… this country will have no trust in the system and will take justice into their own hands. This is dangerous.”

Fortunately, Taitz isn’t dangerous, just remarkably annoying … and, of course: an all-American weinie.

***

Talk about ineffectual …

Consider the case of one Ryan Matthews, from Laguna Niguel by way of Jamaica, man. Stick with me here—this is a bit hard to get your head wrapped around.

Matthews bought a BMW using a stolen identity and then defaulted on the car payments. He then contacted the O.C. Sheriff’s Department to report that someone had stolen his (stolen) identity. Turns out, he was worried the default on the car payments would negatively affect the credit rating of his … that’s right, stolen identity.

Matthews pleaded guilty to felony identity theft, grand theft and a host of other stuff, got nine months in jail and is expected to be deported back to Jamaica after serving his sentence.

No word on whether he also admitted to being … a weinie!

About this column: John Weyler has lived in Orange County for almost 50 years. His weekly regional columns will offer his unique, and often irreverent, take on life in the O.C.

Henry Gondorff January 20, 2011 at 03:25 PM
I think John should contact Oscar Mayer to get them to do an annually awards show. Great stuff!
Lynn January 30, 2011 at 08:09 AM
I hate being the spelling geek but just fyi it's spelled "wienie" not "weinie." It literally translates to "Viennese" in German. You generally pronounce the second letter in an "ie" or "ei" German word.
John Weyler January 30, 2011 at 08:31 PM
glad you're reading, lynn... i went with the way it was spelled in the sidewalk because most dictionaries say 'wienie' or 'weinie' which means the first spelling is preferred but both are ok... and who am i to argue with someone who has such a thoughtful and inspiring view of our world!
Shripathi Kamath February 21, 2011 at 06:11 PM
Nice work, John. While your style gives away your age, it is a delight to read articles written like this.
John Weyler February 21, 2011 at 06:39 PM
thanks, shripathi, i think.... like that you're reading some of the past columns... ok, i'm tired now... time for a nap...

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