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What is Wrong With The Men of Today?

The problem is that most men are not real men anymore; they have become wimps, or dictators. Many men have forgotten one of the greatest secrets to a happy marriage...

As I am sitting here in Starbucks, I noticed a couple in their 50s walk toward the seating area where they have the comfortable chairs. As they approached the chairs, I noticed that there was only one padded, comfortable chair available. I was curious to see what this man would do.

My first thought was of my father and what he would have done. This would be a no brainer for my dad—he would had obviously given the chair to my mom, and either stood by her side until another chair became available, or he would have gotten a wooden hard chair, and sat by her side.

Well, to my surprise, this man sat in the comfortable chair with no thought or concern for his wife. His wife then went to a section where there was an available wooden chair and then carried this chair next to her husband and sat by his side. This man did not regard any of this as odd…or wrong.

What is wrong with the men of today?

Although this man’s demeanor was strong and confident, he lacks the one thing that would actually make him a great leader… a servant’s heart. Men were created to be leaders, not dictators. A woman desires to follow a great man—that is how she was wired. The problem is that most men are not real men anymore; they have become wimps, or dictators. Many men have forgotten that one of the greatest secrets to a happy marriage lies in his ability to serve his wife. You need to treat your wife like a Queen if you want her to treat you like a King. A great woman completes a man, but it is the responsibility of the man to help his wife become that person. A marriage is a team effort, but it is the man’s responsibility to head up that team. Men, whether you like it or not, the health of your marriage is your responsibility. A great marriage begins with you.

Men, it’s time to step up to the plate and start leading our marriage and families—it’s time to become real men.

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

SC February 24, 2012 at 08:43 PM
"You need to treat your wife like a Queen", WRONG you will get slapped for being degrading. The correct action is to treat your wife like an EQUAL. Just as the man in your story did.
Peter Schelden (Editor) February 24, 2012 at 08:56 PM
Interesting point, SC. Women, what do you think of this?
Mark Bloom February 24, 2012 at 11:04 PM
Very preachy to say the least.... First of all people shouldn't be serving anyone. Monarchy's in marriage can't coexist. The king likes being king and the queen wishes she could poison his wine so she could take over. Nobody needs a monarch when you got parliament. Last time I checked people who work as a team get better results.. It's called common courtesy FOC (follower of Christ). If you want to be treated a certain way, then make the effort to reciprocate. The common facade that women should be treated like queens is old. Treat your mate with respect and if making her more comfortable gets you a night off the couch, then give her the comfy chair. Writing this article sounds like a cheap way to show your wife's friends that your "the best husband ever". Even Aretha "the QUEEN of soul" Franklin was only asking for a little R E S P E CT. Nice try though, but any guy worth his salt see's right through your flaccid attempt at showing your wife chivalry.
Larry February 25, 2012 at 12:24 AM
SC; Not sure if your a man or a woman but my guess would be neither. I'll bet you were the guy I saw at the grocery store the other day. The one that walked 5 feet in front of his equal and then let the door smack into her after he went thru first! The last thing I would want is for my sons to grow up like YOU. Just my opinion but I be willing to bet most women would rather be a Queen and not an equal. But then again, I didn't marry a card carrying member of NOW. I guess you did, Puppet Boy!
Larry February 25, 2012 at 01:09 AM
Mark, You said "Monarchy's in marriage can't coexist" and I completely agree. The king RULES his kingdom. Would not "Serving" be the opposite of "Ruling"? No doubt the Queen wants to kill the Demanding Ruler but I think you need to read the article again. You missed something. It's obvious that your not an FOC because serving is what Christianity is about. Guys like you make FOC look better. My Queen has no desire to poison me. Sorry about your in-significant other! As for a team I do believe EVERY team has a captain but then again YOUR team probably tries to take out their team members. Kind of like that Queen and her poison. I doubt that any woman made to feel like a queen would want to kill her man. But then again I don't pretend to know your situation. As for reciprocating, I'm real sure your other half reciprocates when it comes to dealing with you. It would appear that YOU have spent more then a few nights on the couch or maybe the car. You seem to speak from experience. As for the FLACCID attempt, are we talking about YOU again? I'm sure your lady loves the macho intent in your response but would probable envy the stories told by the wife of FOC. After reading your BIO I understand why you used the poison example. Mark, not everyone has had a dagger in the heart or has had betrayal. Not everyone is bitter and resentful. Some people are happily married. Why P on their parade? In closing, I hope your daughter finds a man JUST LIKE YOU! NOT!
Debbie Flanagan February 25, 2012 at 01:30 AM
My husband would have given me the comfy chair because he cherishes me just like it says to do in your wedding vows. If you are happy in your relationship and love your spouse then I believe you will do things to please them. If you are not happy in your relationship and long to be then may I suggest doing things to please your spouse. I am thankful that my husband does not treat me like a servant. Men and women are not equal and should not be treated as such. A perfect example would be that my husband is physically stronger and less emotional than I am. Work together as a team, love and respect one another. Those are the keys to a blissful marriage. My husband and I will be celebrating our 24th anniversary this year. Writing an article like this takes courage so thank you for having it.
Linda February 25, 2012 at 01:34 AM
Let me chime in with a woman's point of view. First some disclosures: I'm not a FOC, and I think of myself as a fairly independent woman. I own a business, support myself financially, etc. And as SC put it, I want to be an "equal partner" with my man. That said, SC appears to be totally missing the point. I absolutely love it when my man treats me like a queen. It makes me want to treat him like a king in return. We can be "equal partners" or "a team" as two monarchs who are each deserving of love and respect. I don't want to be an "equal" with a jerk who treats people poorly! I want to be an "equal" with a wonderful person who treats me well, and appreciates how well I treat him.
Tom Sheltraw February 25, 2012 at 01:46 AM
Hello SC, Thank you for your comments regarding the post. The whole concept of treating your wife like a queen is in no way a degrading concept. This analogy was meant to serve as an example of esteeming your wife highly. Call me old-fashioned, but I still do open up doors for women. This does not make me a great guy; I believe this makes me normal. I have been married for over 16 years and I have learned that women still do enjoy being cherished. My wife is my equal—I do not in any way feel that I am more important than her. I think that the man in Starbucks degraded the woman he was with by taking the premium chair and making her find her own chair. This was certainly not a great way to win the heart of his woman.
Tom Sheltraw February 25, 2012 at 01:51 AM
Hi Debbie, Congratulations on 24 years of marriage! Sounds like you have a great husband who treats you like a lady! This is encouraging to see.:-)
Dawn February 25, 2012 at 04:53 AM
I completely agree that men become great leaders by serving. And serving is what Christianity is all about, as another reader commented. And I think serving is a form of respect. I don't think treating your wife like a queen is degrading. What woman doesn't want to be cherished and highly esteemed (which means to be honored and thought highly of)? My husband & I have been very happily married for 14 years and we function as a team in every aspect of our marriage. But he is also the leader and head of our household. He shows his love and appreciation for me by treating me like a queen, and he is teaching our sons to do the same, which will carry over into their marriages one day. And as for our daughter, she will one day know how to be properly treated by a man by watching the example of her father. Chivalry is not old, it is timeless but becoming harder to find.
Tom Sheltraw February 25, 2012 at 04:55 AM
Part 2: Dr. Meg Meeker writes: “Being a good father also has a lot to do with being a good husband. Daughters watch their dads like hawks. They watch not only how he treats her, but also how he treats her mom. If she sees her father open doors for her mother, help clean up in the kitchen and is patient, she will take what she sees into her own marriage and, whether she likes it or not, consciously or unconsciously, reproduce that. Daughters learn how they should be treated by watching how their dad treats their mom.” I am far from being that perfect husband, but I do strive to be one though. I would encourage you to give your daughter the great example of how a man should treat her. Whatever experience’s you have gone through in life, should not define you in a negative way. The light at the end of the tunnel should be for your daughter to marry a man who cares for her and respects her as she deserves to be respected. Your goal as a father should be to model the attributes you wish for your daughter’s future husband to possess. I have 2 precious little girls and I wish for them to marry men that will treat them like queens. I will continue to strive to be the example they need—for girls will usually marry men who remind them of their father. I wish you great success in your life Mark, Tom Sheltraw
Tom Sheltraw February 25, 2012 at 04:56 AM
Part 1: Hi Mark, Although my first thoughts would have been similar to Larry's response, I have chosen not to take that path. I do understand that my words seem to be holding the man to a very high standard, but I do believe that we need to be held to it. If you look at the greatest leaders of all time, they have all possessed a servant’s heart. This whole concept of serving and loving your wife should not be alarming to anyone...it should just be the way of a normal male. We, as men, have often not been good at loving our wives as we should. I am certainly not even close to thinking that I am the "best husband ever." I fail daily in treating my wife with the respect she deserves. Every great concept I have learned has been birthed out of my failure as a husband. My wife would be the first to tell you that I am far from perfection--she would also tell you that I do love her dearly, and I do strive daily to be a better husband. Shouldn't that be our goal as husbands?
jeff s February 26, 2012 at 09:47 AM
Men of today are immature man children. They are all like frightened college boys afraid of any real commitment or sacrifice, Xbox controller ever present ..in hand..
MFriedrich February 27, 2012 at 07:36 PM
I understand what you're trying to say here, but I believe "servitude" is poor word choice in this context because it implies slavery. I don't know about others, but speaking for myself, I'm not going to be anyone's slave - not to a supernatural CCTV camera in the sky, nor to a woman - and I would be repelled by any woman who would want to be my servant. More liberty and less servitude is what's required. Men have always been wimpy, self-centered and/or dictatorial. Women can be exact same. So nothing's changed. I've been married for only 11 years. If there's a problem with men it's that we want things to be organized, quick, decisive and easy. Being with a woman for any length of time is anything but these things. I guess that's why we're so crazy about them.
Debbie Flanagan February 27, 2012 at 08:31 PM
Opposites attract!
Allan P. February 27, 2012 at 10:57 PM
Tom, No need to explain yourself since your title explains it all. "Follower of Christ, Husband, Father, Electrical Contractor". Meaning, Christ 1st, Husband second, and Father 3rd. You are headed in the right direction for sure! Keep holding yourself to those high standards. Remember, we don't open doors for Queen's because they are lady's, we open them because we are gentlemen. This is probably not the right place to fight for our faith but I do applaude you for trying. As you can see, there is a battle going on right here in your backyard and you don't have to venture far from the tree to reach out to other men willing to listen to what you have to say about being a Real Man of the Faith.
LHJ March 01, 2012 at 09:44 PM
The most interesting thing I find about this blog is the perspective based on a total presumption of knowledge about a relationship you know absolutely nothing about. Do you know whether or not the man suffered from a physical condition which would have made him very uncomfortable sitting in a harder chair? Or do you know whether or not there was a prior understanding about which of the two had needs the other didn't. Could it be possible that the woman prefers a harder chair due to possible back problems that would have been aggravated by sitting in a soft chair. And would it be completely unrealistic of me to presume that couple would know much more about their relationship and the dynamics involved which would be quite private except for a probing, busybody making presumptions about something he really didn't understand. Compare a time past with today and you find out, they are much different and really don't offer us much understanding of either unless we know all the parties involved. I would also venture to say that back when your dad plopped your mother in the chair and went to get his own, your mom wasn't allowed a personal identity beyond that which your dad had.
Dan Avery March 02, 2012 at 07:56 PM
Equality would be when you treat your wife like a Queen and she treats you like a King and that's the way it should work. It's called compassion and respect. Or love for short. There may be a deeper story behind the man sitting in the plush chair. I was raised to hold open doors, stand rather than sit, and the rest. I still try to do it. However, I have multiple sclerosis and sometimes my wife insists that I sit and she stand. And there are times that I do just that because if I don't, well, it's not a good idea not to. There's no way to tell I have multiple sclerosis by looking at my wife and I in public. Maybe we shouldn't be in a rush to judge.
Tom Sheltraw March 05, 2012 at 09:23 PM
I do have a great understanding regarding the dangers of presumptive conclusions. I understand that before one makes a final judgment on a person, they should have all the facts. This would hold true if I were challenging this man directly regarding what I perceived as an offence on his part. However, I did not confront this man. Although I have been guilty of the error of presumption on more than a few occasions, this was not the case in the story that I gave above. Neither this man nor his wife (did you notice that in the story I called the woman his wife) had any physical limitations which would have warranted his actions as an appropriate response. But the reality is, you and I could go back and forth on the topic of presumptive conclusions in our writing—and “tag” you would be “it.” This post was never intended to be about this man or about me. This post was written as an encouragement to “us” men to treat our wives with more excellence than we are currently treating them. How can you go wrong with that? If you love and cherish your woman as you should, “GREAT!”—you should try to love her even more. If you read the story and realized that you have been missing the boat on loving your wife as you should, then let your conviction serve as a tool; start treating your wife as your queen.
Tom Sheltraw March 05, 2012 at 09:24 PM
I think that too often when we get caught with our hand in the cookie jar, we respond with “Lookie over yonder.” Sometimes it is easier for us to try to defend why we are doing what we are doing than to just change our actions. I understand that loving our wives is difficult at times. I understand that there are circumstances that sometimes lead us to the decisions we choose. But I also understand that if we as men wish to be great in this life, then we need to have our wives by our side loving and respecting us. We will never get the true love and respect that we long for if we’re not seeing to the real needs of our wives. You will never go wrong by loving your wife more. I find it fascinating that there is so much controversy over the subject of treating your wife with more respect. I think that the fact that this controversy even exists is a reflection of what is wrong with the men of today.
Tom Sheltraw March 05, 2012 at 09:45 PM
Hi Allan, Thanks for your comments and support. I have seen that there is unfortunately very little difference between the Christian men and non-Christian men of this day. I think it is just in our sin nature (our need) to fulfill the desires of our flesh. With that said, I have also seen some godly men who love their wives with an amazing, sacrificial love. These men encourage me greatly. I was speaking to a man the other day who, in our conversation, asked me if I still had a regular date night weekly with my wife --I unfortunately had to answer him with a no. My wife and I only get out about once a month...if that. I took this as a wakeup call to me, to get more on the ball and date my wife more frequently. My desire is for men all around to spur one another to be better husbands--better fathers--better leaders. Have an awesome day Allan!
LHJ March 05, 2012 at 09:59 PM
Hi Tom, I believe your defense of what I have said is in error. If you read your blog again, I believe you will see that you drew multiple conclusions based simply upon what you were observing and gave your rationale for those conclusions. Examples - "This man did not regard any of this as odd…or wrong.", "Although this man’s demeanor was strong and confident, he lacks the one thing that would actually make him a great leader...". If you had blogged what you wrote as a defense you would have had a very good blog. But you did not do that. You observed what you thought, you drew conclusions based upon what you thought and what you were raised to believe a relationship is and should be and directly criticized the man you were observing. Yes, I noticed that you presumed it was his wife. I "presume" you did that because he "appeared" to be strong and confident.. lol There is no back and forth of conclusions on this blog. You were very clear with your presumption that you attempted to present as a fact that the man you observed was lacking "one thing that would actually make him a great leader...". I will make an observation regarding the qualities required of a "great leader". Taking a situation, observed and analyzing it from multiple different schools of thought. Then factoring in, the frailties of being human which are not always outwardly evident...
LHJ March 05, 2012 at 10:13 PM
Then observing, that the woman (without flinching) walked over and got another chair, would establish one clear view that, in fact the relationship between the two people being observed is well established and functions in harmony. A great leader would be able to do that without needing to confront the man or criticizing him in a public blog. I personally think your blog could have served your goal much better if you had compared your mom and dad and the established "hierarchy" of their relationship and the spirit of cooperation in the observed behaviors of another and combined the two, pointing out the possible need for compassion needed in all relationships. But you didn't do that. You exhibited what is more common among men today. You made an observation, ignoring all the other factors and made a critical blog to prove your point about a servant's heart, and what it takes to be a "great leader". Would you agree that most "great leaders", have an established understanding with those who "follow", what is needed and expected for the structure of that type of relationship (you are purporting as the correct type of relationship) to function harmoniously? Take another look at the blog and tell me what that man did wrong, as a "great leader". By the way, I have the most wonderful wife. I love her with everything I am able to love with. It's a wonderful thing to have a wife and to love her. We understand each other and care for each other. We are one.
LHJ March 05, 2012 at 10:32 PM
In conclusion, who are we to determine anything about someone else's relationship and impose upon them our preconceived ideas of what is the right way and what is the wrong way, when we have nothing to work with other than another person's description of a moment in time, when things appeared to be something different from what he believes? Had this man been treating the accompanying person with disregard, contempt, or in some demeaning manor (which there are ample examples of in our society today) it would be different. Next time draw conclusions based upon your own failings as a man, and not some perception you derive from your preconceived idea of what you are observing.
Dan Avery March 05, 2012 at 11:51 PM
Hi Tom, I think you're are making a presumption that most men don't treat their wives with enough respect. I'd be hard pressed to call that true. Clearly there are men who don't respect women. And clearly there are men who could do a better job of it. And you're absolutely right that we'll never receive true love and respect without first giving it away to others. But I tend to think most people do the best they can at any given time. Men and women. I often judge people far too harshly. It's easy to do. I just sometimes wonder, what with sensationalism and all in the media, if our perceptions of how bad the human condition is isn't completely warped.
Tom Sheltraw March 06, 2012 at 04:35 AM
Hi Dan, Thanks for the input. sensationalism (sɛnˈseɪʃən ə ˌlɪzəm) — n 1. the use of sensational language, etc, to arouse an intense emotional response I would certainly have to agree that this topic does indeed raise a certain level of emotional response. I would not agree with the definition of this topic being over-hyped though. This post was not in any way intended to be a theatrical stunt-- it was intended, however to be a little jolt to men. For the record--I do not feel like all men do not treat their wives with enough respect. I do believe that we can always treat our wives with more respect and love though. I believe that most men think that they do their best—but I believe this to be a cop out. From the little bit that I can sense about you, I would venture to say that you really do love your wife. I would also venture to say that for the most part, you probably do a pretty good job daily of cherishing your wife. If I asked you if you felt you were doing the best that you can, I would guess that you probably would say no. I believe you have a good heart and because of your love for your wife, you would always think that she would deserve better than what you are giving her. Does that in any way mean that you are less than a great husband?—definitely not! What this means is that because of your great love for her, you will always wish to be more.
Tom Sheltraw March 06, 2012 at 04:36 AM
I wanted to state again that this post was in no way meant to serve as a judgment sentence on the man in the story, rather an example and a wakeup call to men to treat their wives with more respect than they are giving them. This was not the first time I have seen a man take the more comfortable path, at the misfortune of his wife. I could at this very moment think of 5 friends of mine that were guilty of this sort of action—and more than a dozen men over the course of this year. It is real easy to do. I have to make a cognitive effort to deny my selfish needs and put my wife’s needs above mine. The standard that I subscribe to is the standard of excellence. I do not subscribe to the concept of meritocracy. The standard that I am addressing in my blog is indeed a high standard, but it is a standard that makes men truly great. I do not respect a man that would let me get away with being less than great to my wife. I will always try to surround myself with men that will encourage me to love my wife as I should…as she deserves to be loved. I know we are on the same page:-) Tom
K March 11, 2012 at 08:40 AM
Women of today want equality when its convenient and to be treated like a woman as well. Get your cake and eat it too. Enough said. Modern feminists are the biggest double standards of todays society.
K March 11, 2012 at 08:44 AM
And yes, my comment wasn't referring to women like Linda above who really follow that principle of equality. Rarely do you see someone like that.

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