I Need a New Laptop. Thoughts? Advice? Squirrels?

My computer’s getting old.

It’s been a faithful companion for many years, but the hard drive is made of wood, and there’s only so far you can go with an oak-based laptop.

The splinters are unbearable. Squirrels keep stealing the acorns that grow from the keyboard, and the termite infestation bothers my neighbors (who, living next to me, are already pretty bothered.)

Update: The termites have kicked my neighbors out of their home.

Update: The termites are now my landlords.

Update: The new rent is surprisingly reasonable.

So I’ve been spending the past couple of weeks laptop-shopping, because it beats working. Also, because I don’t want to rush into it. 

Your personal computer is your passport to the digital world. By that I mean it’s what you use to check up on your ex-girlfriend on Facebook while weeping softly.

And that’s an important part of everyone’s business day.

Throughout my search I’ve learned a few things that I thought I’d share with you because … well, frankly, you’re easy on the eyes.  

The first thing to remember when laptop shopping is that no matter what you choose, you’re completely wrong.

Because of the building process (laptops are manufactured mostly by elves), there are a billion different brands (the elves can’t agree on a manufacturing standard):

Apple, Leonovo, Dell, Del Taco, Sony, Samsung, Nintendo 64, Skynet, Hal 9000, Gort, Mega Man, Optimus Prime, and Optimus Prime 2.0. and those are just a few of the fake computer names I could think of.

Yes, .

The second thing I’ve learned is that no matter what price you're paying, it’s wrong.

Laptops drop in cost so fast that by the time you spend a dollar on one, the company you bought it from actually owes you a dollar … which you should immediately .  

Finally, the third piece of advice I’ve learned, and this is the most important one, is that no matter what you do: Don’t listen to the squirrels that steal the acorns from your wooden laptop.

They advise terrible things. Terrible, terrible things.  

Now, all silliness aside—and it’s hard for me to say that—I want to hear your suggestions on what type of laptop I should get.

I plan to spend around $500, and my max is $650.

Hey, my rent is due. I’ll see if the termites will accept acorns. Yeah, that was the squirrel's idea.

Give John Crandall a Dollar runs Wednesdays at 7 p.m. and Saturday's at 1 p.m. and is actually OK with the advice of the squirrels ... sometimes.