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Hey, Cats and Dogs of America: You Are Fat!

Humor columnist John Crandall tries to whip furry friends into shape.

Now that  (not really) and  (also not really), I think it’s important to give back to the community, and I plan to do that by making fun of fat animals.

A few weeks ago, I decided I wouldn’t mock real people in my columns.

Luckily, I have no problem with poking fun at the 53 percent of cats and 55 percent of dogs in America that are overweight, according to a recent survey by the Association for Pet Obesity Prevention.

So hold Bowser and Mittens up to the computer screen, because the rest of this is for them.

Please note that there are some real things you can do to help your furry friends lose weight or even .

Hey, cat/dog. Have you seen yourself in the mirror of your doghouse/scratching post?

No, it’s not just in your mind. You’re fat.

Don’t blame your owners. You know that you could beat this thing if you had the willpower. Hey, hiss/growl at yourself, not me!

I want to tell you a story. Once upon a time, I had a dog named Poopers.

I fed Poopers healthy meals, but he didn’t want to go for walks, and he’d only eat double-doubles from In-N-Out Burger.

Every day, I’d find him hanging his head in shame, with ketchup all over his fur. I don’t know how he bought fast food, but I couldn’t get him to stop.

Then one day I was in the kitchen, and I heard a loud bang from the backyard.

Poopers had exploded.

OK, that didn’t happen. Poopers was fine, but I noticed he was really fat.

So I put him on The Biggest Loser Pet Edition on NBC.

He’s been healthy every since, despite the fact that he never existed and that there is no such thing as The Biggest Loser Pet Edition.  

I have a story about a cat that got fat too, but it’s also just as silly.

Here’s what’s going to scare you skinny, cat/dog: Unless you want your owner to make you read any more of my stupid anecdotes, you need to shape up and eat right.

For example, choose only lean shoes/mice.

Otherwise someday, and I’ve seen it happen, your owner is going to take you to a park, forget that you’re on an incline and watch in horror as you roll away.

Some signs your pet is overweight:

  • Spot only burps, never barks.
  • Rex won’t put on his collar because he’s embarrassed that it doesn’t fit. Also, because he ate it.
  • Meowser keeps asking you if her litter box makes her look fat.

Don’t let your cat or dog end up like my imaginary pet Pooper.

John Crandall March 11, 2011 at 07:42 AM
I miss that fake dog so much.
Christi Park March 21, 2011 at 11:31 PM
Oh, your column always cracks me up!
John Crandall March 22, 2011 at 04:51 AM
Thank you, Christi. I'm saving all the compliments I get and plan to exchange them for prizes at a future time. We can do that, right?

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