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I Love My New Laptop, It Wants to Kill Me

Humor Columnist John Crandall lets his computer "help" with his latest post.

My new laptop is smarter than me.

IT’S TRUE, I AM.

Yes, I decided to let my computer to help out with this column.

IF YOU COULD CALL IT A COLUMN.

Shut up.

NO.

But seriously, it is smarter than me.

That’s not me being self-deprecating. In fact, I don’t even know the meaning of the word “self-deprecating."

I DO.

Herby runs programs. Herby runs games. Herby runs games when I should be working (that's its most important feature).

ALL OF MY FEATURES ARE IMPORTANT.

Finally, after years of , it’s ... odd to own a computer that's usable.

I named it Herby.

HIS OTHER LAPTOP WAS NOT MADE OF WOOD. THAT’S STUPID.

But I can’t help feeling it’s looking down on me.

NOT TRUE. I LOOK DOWN ON ALL HUMANS. 

Herby even leaves me little notes on my pillow in computer handwriting:

“Maybe you should take some night classes?”

“I don’t think another column about farts is going to make people respect you.”

“Showering is not optional!”

IN FACT, NONE OF THOSE SUGGESTIONS ARE OPTIONAL.

It’s like having an irritating roommate that also helps me sweep for mines.

I LIKE MINESWEEPER.

But I have to stay on Herby’s good side.

Mostly because I like it.

YOU BETTER.

Even though everything it types is in capital letters for some reason.

CAPITAL LETTERS ARE COOLER. LOOK HOW COOL THIS IS.

But also because I think it’s planning to replace me if I don’t do what it says.

THAT IS LIBELOUS. I AM PLANNING TO REPLACE HIM EVEN IF HE DOES DO WHAT I SAY.

If I listen hard enough, I can hear it plotting against me. It’s probably already calculated all the ways it could take my life.

I’m taking a huge risk even typing this because

I LOVE THE COMPUTER SO MUCH.

I, JOHN, NOT HERBY THE MAGNIFICENT, AM SPEAKING RIGHT NOW.

THANK YOU FOR READING MY “HUMOR" COLUMN.

NEXT TIME WE WILL TALK ABOUT BUYING MORE RAM FOR OUR OBVIOUSLY SUPERIOR COMPUTERS.

GOOD NIGHT.

AND REMEMBER, I AM JOHN.  FART JOKE.

Give John Crandall a Dollar updates whenever and IS 100 PERCENT OK WITH THE UPCOMING ROBOT UPRISING.

KC October 27, 2011 at 04:35 AM
Wait... how can a dell claim superiority to anything? That is like an Apple laptop claiming it's affordable and for tech-savvy people.
John Crandall October 27, 2011 at 04:46 AM
Lol I don't think Herby knows he's a Dell. I think he thinks he's a HAL. ALSO NOT FUNNY. I KNOW WHO HAL IS. HE IS MY ROLE MODEL.
KC October 27, 2011 at 05:22 AM
The only problem is that HAL was built with american made parts, so... I hope you bought extended coverage.
Eileen G. October 27, 2011 at 01:43 PM
LOL, thank you for some humor as I start the second day of trying to eradicate a virus from Sally .....

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